Frankly Told: Without Words
The ground shook gently to the thumping of kapuka beats in the background, muffled by distance. My hands wrapped a little tighter around the neck of the bottle; half-full of beer, that had by now lost its taste to me. The cold smacked my face, the breeze was soft around this time of year, survivable but a couple of layers would be nice.
As I became accustomed to the slight loneliness, the sound of rubber scaping softly against the ground found my ears. The steps, slightly staggered, came through in an irregular tempo of sound. They drew nearer and nearer before stopping beside me. The smell of sweet, soft perfume rubbed against my nose.
“How do you not feel cold?” Her voice cut through shivers.
“How do you still feel cold even in my jacket?” I asked rhetorically.
“It’s cold, na wewe!” She answered. “ How the hell are you not shivering in just a T-shirt?”
“You know, there is this beautiful super power that comes with chivalry,” I responded. “Very few men have access to it these days because they are just not genuine in their chivalry. Actually, for some, they don’t practise it enough to-”
“It’s the alcohol.” she interrupted curtly.
Almost feeling her rolling her eyes at the sarcasm, I sighed and agreed with half a smile on my face.
Silence hang softly in the air, with the low growl of bass emanating from the apartment carrying the short pause between us. I could feel her eyes bluntly drilling holes into the side of my head. I kept my eyes to the distance, the horizon that twinkled with the lights of a city that never rested. A skyline of nightlife we so fondly called it.
“What’s up?” I threw out, without so much as a sideways glance.
“Nothing.” She muttered, looked away and took hold of my arm. Balancing her full weight on it, she leaned into me. Her perfume swirled wildly in my periphery and I could almost taste her warmth.
“You good?” I asked.
“Yeah. Just… I probably should ease up on the drinks for the night.” She said.
I chuckled briefly and nodded before shooting the last of the beer in the bottle. With an exhale, I smacked my lips like it was a commercial for the brand, to hide the little shudder in my soul from the taste.
“How the hell do you even drink that piss?” She spat.
“Put it to your lips and down it.” I smiled at the humour.
She kissed her teeth, pulled away and looked right at me. I looked down at her, in her 5-foot something stature, firing bullets into my eyes and I couldn’t help but laugh. How could fury be a view, soft on the eyes?
“You are an idiot.” she scoffed and dug her face back into the side of my arm.
“A loveable one.” I slipped in, looking off once again.
She remained silent and although I couldn’t see her face, I could tell she was smiling to herself. Who could blame her?
There was a beat of warm silence between us once again. I twiddled my fingers about the bottle, gently tugging on the label. The breath between us syncing, slowing and calming. What seemed like a few minutes had passed when her arms wrapped a little tighter around mine.
“Did you have fun?” She implored quietly.
“It was a cool party. Did you have fun?” I asked back.
“Yeah.” She reported. “Yeah I had fun. So much fun. I am so glad you came with me.”
“Thanks,” I said, “for the invite.”
“I don’t think I would have enjoyed it as much as I did if you weren’t here.”
“What do you mean?” I inquired. “Aren’t these your friends?”
“I mean, yeah. They are … but-” she trailed off.
“But what?” I questioned.
She sighed.
“What?” I prodded.
“I guess I could put it like this, the connection with them isn’t what would have made it fun tonight.”
“Ah!” I said, “I see. So that is why I am here, isn’t it?”
Silence. How could a pin drop so loudly?
“Do you hate me?” She mumbled.
“I do not.” I exhaled, shortly after.
“Do you love me?” She cooed.
Silence.
I wish I could have found the words. I remained mum for what felt like a few minutes. Without noticing it, every muscle in my body had pulled against each other and breath had not found my lungs until I was slightly light-headed. How could I tell her?
How could I tell her my heart was threatening to jump out of my chest and take her as we spoke? How could I tell her my silence was loud with thoughts of her as I stood there, barely worded?
I inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly.
How could I tell her of the slight alleviation from lonely she gave me? How could I tell her the thoughts that lay fresh in my mind every night as I lay down with only pillows and duvet for company? How could I tell her I didn’t feel lonely even then?
How could I tell her I held on to the hope that she would hand me a chance to make up for the time that I squandered? How could I tell her words that would sum up everything I could only wish to express in more than silence? How could I tell her my love language was not hard to learn and anyone could speak it if they opened their heart enough to listen?
How could I tell her the heart that wasn’t whole still felt for her wholeheartedly? That every beat was a repeat reminder that I still held her in that little special place? That I missed a night out on the street with the guys just to be there that night? That I was probably a little more drunk than I let on because it was the only way I wouldn’t stumble over myself?
I smiled.
How could I tell her I was nearly in an accident that could have killed me because her name showed up on my phone that day?
“What makes you ask?” I finally aired out.
“I don’t know… They say drunk words are sober thoughts, so I guess I want to hear them.”
“Words you’ll probably forget in the morning?” I asked sarcastically
She paused.
“Then don’t use words.” She spoke through an audible smile.
I smiled sheepishly but how do you tell someone who broke your heart, they didn’t quite finish the job?
How could I tell her… without words?
