Frankly Told: Vacancy
The EKG monitor beeped steadily, carrying the weight of emptiness the room held. It was a little cold, yet through the drawn curtains and open windows, the golden hour sun cast its orange light with warm radiance.
He had just barely stepped into the room and stood frozen at the door for a minute or two, counting his breaths. His legs felt a little heavier as they crossed the threshold and when his eyes fell on her, his heart weighed the same. There she lay, her soft supple skin reflecting the light in a soft glow, in beauty only melanin could truly muster. She looked a little thinner, a little bit more fragile than the last time he saw her. The bandage wrapped around her head did no justice to its proportionality with her body and it was almost laughable. She looked peaceful, the kind of peaceful many would dream of being someday.
He shivered a little at the thought but his anxieties were quelled with the subtle up and down the rhythm of the blankets around her torso. His nose perked up to the scent of her perfume that lingered in the air above the antiseptic smell of the hospital. He gathered his uncertainty, took a step, then another, then another and in a breath he was by her side, looking over her like he remembered doing so many times but that time felt a little different.
He could see her eyes move beneath the slightly darkened eyelids and her almost perfect teeth peeking out from her slightly open mouth. Just like a reflex, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a neatly folded, white handkerchief and used it to wipe the sting of drool that run down her chin. Her body responded to his touch warmly before her eyelids slowly pulled away from each other. There they were, those dark eyes that sparkled like polished timber in the line of the sun’s rays that he fell for.
“Ah, sorry!” he said softly as he pulled away. “Wasn’t meant to wake you up. You just had a little…”
She rubbed her face with the sleeve of the hoodie she had on, in response to his gesture. Smacking her lips drowsily, she looked around the room then right back at him. He nervously did a little wave and stepped back slightly.
“Hi,” she whispered drily. “You’re here.”
“I am here.” he echoed.
“I missed you,” she said a little stronger without a missed beat.
“I… missed you too.” he cooed.
“You did?” she asked with a sprinkle of relief.
“I did,” he reassured.
“Then what the hell took you so long?” she shot.
“I… uh,” was all he could let out, unarmed and unprepared for the bullet of a question.
She chuckled and his face went red, or at least as red as his complexion could turn. His eyes travelled everywhere but fell back into hers. He retreated into his shyness and felt like a teenage all over again.
“Shut up,” he spoke meekly.
She burst out in laughter, only it wasn’t hearty like he expected. It was wide, warm and jovial but raspy, pained and soft. He smiled at the feeling it brought but the smile was short-lived as she broke into a fit of coughing. He froze.
“A-are you okay?” he stammered as she settled.
“I’m okay,” she swallowed breaths. “Or at least as okay as one can be when within these four walls.”
He sighed at the joke and she half-smiled at how nervous he was. The poor boy looked like a lost puppy, she must have thought to herself and she craved to hold him tight.
“You should see your face. Why are you so scared?” she poked.
“Is that rhetorical?” he asked back.
She didn’t say anything, she just gave him a weak smile and stuck her tongue out at him. Shifting her weight on the bed she slipped her hand beneath her blankets once again, hoping they wouldn’t stain too much that time.
“Why wouldn’t I be scared?” he whispered harshly to himself wishing she didn’t heard him. “Aren’t you?”
I’m scared to death, she thought to herself hoping it didn’t show.
He looked around the room, searching for something to ground himself. She kept her eyes trained on him with a sorry excuse for a comforting smile. For a moment or two, nothing but the birds outside the window moved and it was as if they were frozen in time. In the silence, he finally found words to say to her and with confidence renewed he looked right at her.
“Your mum told me how things have been going,” he started.
“Oh, did she?” she asked sarcastically.
“Just thought I’d come in and see you, you know?” he continued.” I know we haven’t spoken in a while and there really isn’t an excuse for me not to pick up my phone and call you… but-”
“You just didn’t know what to say. I get it.” she finished. “I wouldn’t know what to say either and it’s not true, you and I both know that there is an excuse, a reason why not.”
“Maybe we are just too scared to say it.” he scoffed.
“When did you start speaking French?” she threw in bluntly.
“Okay…. I just don’t know how to say it.” he embraced. “Honestly, it isn’t something I can just as easily admit to myself, even after all this time. So my brain probably hides it like it didn’t happen.”
“How are you doing?” she asked. “For real.”
“How am I doing?” he started. “I wish I could say I’m doing fine but that would be a lie. Some truths are not too easy to just accept. I still haven’t accepted it and that might just be the reason why it has taken me so long to come to visit, for all you know.”
“Or school,” she added.
“Screw school,” he said with a conviction that shook her slightly. “I know I should be here for you. I should because I made you a promise and I don’t care if you feel like that was the right call to make, like it would make things easier but no.”
He closed the gap between them and cupped her face in his right hand. It felt odd with the tube running across her cheek but he had committed to it and if that is what it meant to touch her again he paid it no mind. A tear slipped past her defences and trickled down to his hand.
“Maybe you have already made peace with it, maybe not but I will not lie to myself and say that regardless of how this goes, I won’t still end up with a missing part of my life. A vacancy in my heart I might never find enough love to fill.”
