Frankly Told: Unsent letters
“You think I don’t know that?” He burst out. “You think I don’t know that she is not coming back? I know… I know.”
The silence that followed sat heavily upon the duo, as they stood, watching the sunset from their apartment building. He sighed deeply and let himself calm down in the wake of the argument. He didn’t mean for the outburst to come out but it seemed to be the only way to stop it.
He wanted to return into the apartment but the warmth on his skin reminded him of the reason he was there on the balcony in the first place. The cigarette between his fingers became his new play thing and he rolled it about this way and that. The ash fell off the end like a signal and he lifted the butt to his mouth and drew deeply, in response.
“I didn’t mean to yell,” he spoke softly and carefully. “I’m sorry mate.”
He looked back at his friend, who pursed his lips and leaned on the railing but said nothing. They continued to stand in silence with only the sounds of birds to sway the tranquil of the crimson painting in the sky. He exhaled then drew a few more puffs and exhaled the smoke out coolly.
“For something not good for you, the way you do that so nonchalantly,” his friend finally broke the silence. “ It’s kinda cool, you know?”
He looked at the last of his poison and nodded slowly before releasing the smoke he had stored in his system. As he did, his head fell back and his eyes scrolled shut. Beside him, he heard a click. He opened his eyes to catch his friend with his camera pointed intently on him. A grin spread across his lips.
“You know I had vowed to stop,” he started tapping the cigarette distastefully.
“Yeah, you stopped for quite a while,” his friend added, looking at his viewfinder with an investigative eye.
“Yeah, ” he nodded to himself. “Her doing.”
“It is a really nasty habit,” his friend pointed out and he sneered.
“It really is,” he snuffed it out on the ashtray that balanced precariously on the railing.
“I honestly couldn’t tell you why I do it,” he continued, rubbing his hands together then on his pants. “I also couldn’t tell you why it is so hard for me to quit.”
He stretched out his arms above his head and let out a horrendously loud yawn.
“But with her,” he rubbed his eye. “ It was as simple as the word no and that urge left me.”
“Ulikaliwa chapati hivyo,” the friend teased. “Si ati nini.”
He kissed his teeth.
“If it’s for her, nitakaliwa hadi niishe,” he shook his fist at his friend.
“But for real, you were like a different guy,” the friend said.
“Of course I was,” he admitted. “Of course I was. Who wouldn’t be?”
His friend raised his hand like a mischievous child before he quickly looked back in the house to see if he had been spotted doing so.
“You are a fool,” he shook his head. “If she saw you, you’d be finished.”
His friend shrugged.
“And you and I both know that is a lie,” he pointed out. “ She is one of the good ones na wewe ndio umekaliwa the worst! You guys have been together so long, I don’t think you even know what’s going on out here. Good ones are rare these days.”
“I suppose I’m lucky,” his friend admitted.
“And it irritates me so much when you can’t acknowledge that. Not even just by saying but by the way you act,” he said. “You still have your good one.”
“I get that,” his friend said.
“Do you?” He pressed. “Do you really? Because sometimes I don’t think you do and this is not like to grill you or anything. I don’t mean to do that at all. It’s just… I wish I had a smooth ride too.”
“Sometimes, I look at you and I want to hate you,” he admitted. “Not because you are doing anything wrong but precisely because you are not. Because everything that you are enjoying is what I wanted to enjoy. Because you get to have your person whilst I’m going broke trying to replace mine.”
“Maybe she isn’t for replacing though,” his friend argued.
“Yeah, maybe,” he accepted. “But what do I do if not try to cover up what feels like this gaping hole in my life. This feels like the only thing to do right now.”
“I wish I could just rip out my heart and live without one rather than continue to accept to live a life where this is how I am living,” His voice broke a little. “I have tried everything those relationship coaches have said. I have looked into meditation and all the nonsense. Haisaidi!”
“It’s not even the lack of that kills me,” he pushed. “It’s the knowing how well we worked. It is all the plans and hopes that I am left with after her. It is the inability to hate her or make the her the bad person.”
“You know I still have the polaroids we took pinned up on the board above my desk and it’s been months and for some reason I just can’t get myself to bring them down. I’ve accepted that she is not here with me anymore but even that feels like a lie I don’t believe in fully.”
“I wish she had cheated or something at least,” he let out a pained laugh. “Then at least I wouldn’t just peg all this one wrong timing because I know she is was not… or is not the wrong person for me. She, for all I know, might be my one.”
“I don’t want anyone else,” he plucked a leaf from the potted plant next to him and began to roll it up between his fingers.
“I can’t stand the thought of her with anyone else,” he said bitterly. “But if she is happy, I will stomach it. Like what is that nonsense? Surely! Ah!”
“If someone asked,” he sweetly threw on. “I’d still say she is the best thing to happen to me since my birth. I want to do everything in my power to care for that woman. To tend to her every need. To argue with her and hate her then love her then hate the way I love her. It sounds stupid but I want all that, with her.”
“I still remember every detail about her,” he mulled over it. “The little quirks. The way she made me feel. All her bads that I knew and still loved in spite of. I remember the things she did for me. I want to say she ruined all these nice things for me but I know the truth is that it’s not the truth to say that. It’s the fact that I have to do these things without her that ruins the experience."
“Yeah, so I have all these things to say and I was told to write them down. To express everything until there is nothing left but damn, the more I write the more I fall for this woman,” his
“ I don’t want it to remain just that,” he reeled back and tossed the mutilated leaf. “Just unsent letters.”
