Frankly Told: Slow Burn
As he stood outside the door that July evening, the wind caressed his face with loving cold and caused him to shiver hard. He loved this weather but lately, it had him on the ropes, fighting more than just occasional muscle spasms trying to stay warm.
His fingers had frozen, clenched in fists balled up trying to compose himself. He wondered what was taking so long. In his mind, he ran through all the scenarios he could to ensure he said everything he wanted to. Before he could reach out to push the doorbell again, the lock fell and the door slowly swung open. There she stood in the warm glow of their living room light, with her came the brief embrace of protection from cold and just like it came, it was gone.
“Hey. What are you doing here?” she started as she wrapped herself tighter in the blanket that trailed behind her as he had always imagined her wedding dress would.
“Um hey,” he stammered. “I actually wanted to talk to you and I didn’t think texts or a phone call would do me justice so here I am.”
“It’s cold,” she commented. “Would you like to come in?”
“No,” he hurriedly declined. “I mean… it’s fine, it wasn’t supposed to take long. Just… hear me out, okay?”
“Okay,” she said, slightly suspicious.
“Here goes,” he hyped himself up in a low tone before perking up again. “Okay, I have spent a long time trying to figure out the best way to say this and I suppose there is no perfect way to package it.”
He paused to shiver, her eyebrows furrowed with concern. Her lips parted as if to say something but he jumped in quicker.
“It might have been impulse that has me standing here, clearly not dressed for the weather. I hope to get all this out before I get a cold or something,” he rushed through. “I think… Not I think, I want to say that I am done. I can’t do this anymore.”
“I’m tired,” he continued. “I am tired of trying to break through this wall you have built between us. I cannot pretend that it doesn’t bother me anymore. It does. A little bit more than I would like to admit but isn’t that just telling of how I feel?”
“What do you mean?” she asked softly.
“I mean, I won’t push it anymore,” he affirmed. “I like you, okay? I think I made that abundantly clear. I like you so much it hurts sometimes. I have liked you for a long time and with every passing day, I have grown to like you a little more but this is breaking me down. I don’t know if this heart is built for this.”
His darting eyes found hers and sat in her slightly confused stare. His heart beat deafened in his ears. A combination of adrenaline and infatuation filled his stomach with butterflies and he hated that his words almost felt like a front yet he meant them.
“Where is this coming from?” she asked.
“Where is it coming from?” he repeated. “I suppose months of ignored texts. Numerous trials to meet up and being avoided in the name of more important things. I’ve tried, every day wondering if you could do it in the past, why not now? As you said, once a wall has been built, it’s hard to bring down.”
She scoffed.
“Is this some kind of joke?” she growled. “You think I wanted to put up this wall? You know what? Maybe you are right. Maybe you are the reason the wall is put up there but I still-”
Her name was called from inside the house and she turned to tell them she was at the door before stepping outside. Shutting the door behind her, she turned back to him and pulled the blanket tighter around her.
“What do you mean maybe I’m the reason the wall is put up,” he questioned. “You just suddenly started acting cold to me. How is that on me?”
“Did you stop to ask yourself why?” she poked.
He paused. He didn’t.
“I didn’t think so,” she responded to herself, taking his silence as an answer. “If you did perhaps you’d see that I was tired too. Just like you probably are right now. You know what else? I think you are very valid to be tired. Si ati I can’t relate.”
“What made you tired?” he asked. “I thought things were going well.”
“Yeah, you did,” she shot back. “I didn’t. I got sick of feeling like I was constantly showing all this love, all this attention, all this emotion and you just rode the waves. For months, I tried to convince myself to wait and see if you’d say something, if things would change but they didn’t. It was like you loved taking and never giving. It was like I was shooting for the stars with you and you were just enjoying it like it was a run-of-the-mill interaction.”
“Is that how you really felt?” his shoulders fell. It was like all feeling of cold left his body. “I didn’t know.”
“I know you said you take time,” she softened the tone of her voice. “But that just felt a little too long for me. I wish you could have come with all this just a little earlier. I tried to be patient but love doesn’t work like that. You had a small window of opportunity and you missed it.”
“I missed it?” his heart cracked a little more.
“You missed it,” she drove the nail right through. “You are really sweet. You are an amazing person but …”
“But that’s not enough,” he completed.
“I hope you do find someone though,” she calmly backed away. “Someone who will love you long enough. Whose heart can take the wait and you will both love each other with the passion you are both deserving of. I’m sure…”
Her voice trailed off and his chest began to feel hollow. Curse this, he thought. Curse this slow burn.
