Frankly Told: Reflected Thought
“This is stupid,” he thought out loud. “It feels stupid.”
He sighed and leaned over, grabbing the sink with both his hands. He had been standing in the washroom for nearly five minutes without much progress and he was starting to get frustrated. Time was not on his side and he figured it was going to be an in and out job. It wasn’t.
In one swift motion, he reached over, opened the faucet, cupped his hands around the cold water and splashed it on his face. The cold jolted his body and he felt a slight calmness come over him with the clarity to match.
“Okay,” he affirmed. “Let’s do this.”
He looked up at the mirror in front of him. It felt goofy and uncomfortable. Remembering that it was the desired outcome, he smiled to himself wondering when he had gotten to that point in life. He could only wish that there were no hidden cameras in the bathroom as he had seen in movies about AirBnB houses. He latched on to his resolve and held tight.
“Sema bro,” he started.
“Sema bro,” he responded to himself with half a scoff.
“How have you been?” He continued.
“Me, I’ve been…” He paused.
The answer balanced on the tip of his tongue, nearly strangling him should it have slipped past his teeth. In his eyes, he saw the sadness. One that didn’t seem to waver even with his smile so he nodded as if to resign to the reality he saw with his two eyes and took in a deep breath.
“You know what? Maybe I am not alright,” he exhaled. “Like, I know I have told people that, but am I? I don’t think so.”
“Physically, yeah sure. I’m at the gym six days out of the week now,” he flexed a little and grinned. “And the results are great. I am seeing more mass, more definition and feeling more confident. Look at me.”
He nodded and flexed a little more, appreciating the actual amount of growth he was now beholding. After two minutes of self-induced pleasure, gawking at his physique, his shoulders dropped again.
“But mentally,” he continued. “I don’t know man, I am just feeling like there is a lag in the whole system. I have gaps in my mind where I think I am supposed to remember whole days but they are gone, poof. I struggle speaking these days, yaani. In fact, my memory… eh! Aki, anyway…”
“I am starting to believe that the dopamine that I get from working out is what gives me a false view on how my mental state actually is because one minute,” he laughed to himself. “I just be dancing, the next… I just be sad, shawry.”
The laugher at the reference died down quickly to a sigh and the smile dimmed into a look of discontent.
“I’ve been trying though,” he said. “Been reading a little bit more, taking breaks, taking walks, learning things day by day so it’s not there but it’s getting there.”
“Spiritually, I mean I’m not too bad either.” he patted himself on the back, “I mean granted I haven’t gone to church for two weeks now, I still try to pray every now and again. Before meals, before sleep and when I wake. You know, just here and there having conversations with God and that. At least I know there, I have found some peace.”
“Now, emotionally.” he paused and looked through the window.
The sky had long gone dark and the stars barely showed. What he missed in the silence was the white noise of the traffic in the city at that time but at the same time, he felt relief from being away that and he reminded himself, that was why he asked for this stay-cation.
“Emotionally, I am on the ropes,” he expressed, kissing his teeth. “I think I have been beaten down bad and this whole learning to be vulnerable with these things is not working in my favour. The efforts are taking a lot out of me and I think I am so damaged that I am failing to articulate these things well enough to feel the relief of saying them. I kind of hate it and I know I made a promise not to but I want to stop. For real.”
“I have tried writing these things down but I just find myself writing “Today, I feel alright” and not even meaning it and I just wish I could find a way to be true to me the way I am true like I want to be. I’ve tried to figure out how I can easily talk to her about these things but I can’t even face them myself. Like right now, I’ve been on a low and honestly sitting with it and feeling it is just… ugh.”
He stood up a little taller and readjusted his shoulders. He tilted his head this way then that, looking right into his eyes he sized himself up. Shrugging, he raised his arms and plopped his hands, with fingers interlocked, atop his head. He pursed his lips, drawing mind maps behind his eyes to figure it out.
“What the bloody hell is it about emotions that makes me struggle so much?” He questioned, getting a little bit frustrated. “I mean, it shouldn’t be so hard. It is something I have always had access to, can’t I just… Ah! What the hell am I am doing?”
He dropped his arms and frustratedly flushed the empty toilet. Rinsed his hands before drying them with the hand towel hanging on the wall near the sink. He unlocked the door and pulled it open with such force it caused air to rush him in the face.
Behind the door, there she stood and it startled him out of his frustration.
“Bloody… !” he exclaimed, catching himself before he let his surprise get the best of him. “How long have you been standing there?”
“Long enough,” she said, her big round eyes fixed on his with slight wetness to them.
“Long enough.”
