Frankly Told: One Last Time
The steel railing bit into his fingers with cold. The sound of the rushing waters below him drowned out his shaking breathing and anything else but his thoughts. Although, that didn’t matter because the city had no business being awake at 3 am.
A small smile crept across his face realizing how outrageous this was. He could feel the trusses of the bridge digging into his bare feet but enjoyed the pain in some masochistic pleasure. It is now or never, he thought to himself. He said his peace as he took one last deep breath and with it, he shut his mind off with his resolve.
“What are you doing?” A voice caught his fingers short of letting go of the railing.
“Don’t try to stop me,” he shouted, beginning his letting go ritual again.
“You have to stop,” the voice spoke again.
“Why?” he shot back.
Silence. He paused for a minute and when no response came through he shut his eyes and let go of three fingers. Then two. Then one. Still nothing. He confined himself to his resolve and tried to pull away his last four fingers off the last tether he had to this world.
“What will they think?” the voice stopped him again.
A lump formed at the back of his throat like he had swallowed a ball of hot iron and it lodged itself, searing his insides. The last four fingers held on to the metal like they had been welded and he couldn’t pull them free.
“Why should I care what they think?” he asked.
“Why should you?” the voice sounded closer.
“I don’t know,” he said as tears welled up in his eyes.
“When did you start to ask such stupid questions?” the voice prodded. “What happened to the wise man that once lived in that head of yours?”
He tried to trace the voice from the small populace in the village. It isn’t one he had heard recently and beyond that his memory was like an empty room. The sudden realization of how little he remembered held him like a threat to his sanity.
“Who are you?” he threw the question at the voice.
“Why should that matter?” the voice answered.
“Wha- I already said don’t try to stop me,” his voice was shaky.
“I haven’t stopped you,” the voice said, again sounding closer than before. “You are just as free right now as you were before I spoke up.”
“Then let me be in silence,” he pleaded. “Let me do this in peace.”
The wind howled and wrapped his loose-fitting clothes around him like a hug. His eyes fluttered open and he looked down into the water below. He finally recognized the voice.
“Dad?” he called out.
“What happened to you?” the voice asked. “Why are you throwing away such a bright future? All the things your mother and I did to get you to where you wanted to go. All these great ambitions you kept repeating to me. Telling me that you would give me peace in my old age, yet here you are.”
“I’m sorry,” he turned into a child again. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I am doing anymore.”
Tears that held on for dear life, let go and rolled down his cheeks into his thick, scruffy beard. He sniffled back the mucus and fought back the shuddering in his voice.
“I wish I could tell you I have it all down but I don’t right now,” he cried. “I lost my job due to layoffs, I have no friends left since they left me to move to the big city. All the plans I had have since hit the wall and broken apart. I can’t afford bread for tomorrow. The woman I thought would be my wife left me for a more promising future and I don’t even blame her.”
“If I could,” he stuttered. “I would have followed her. For what good am I now? I can’t hold down any job because I can’t keep up anymore. I blew everything I have on alcohol, girls and a good time that has left me with nothing to my name. I have nothing to show for it. Nothing to offer the world. Nothing to leave to you and mum.”
“Why didn’t you ask for help?” the voice asked.
“I am not worth the help of people,” he let out. “I don’t even have the will to turn to anyone right now. If I cannot build myself something, I don’t deserve the help of people. I cannot turn back to the people depending on me to depend on them.”
“I’m so glad I made the choice not to have children,” he scoffed. “This is too much. I can’t help thinking how that would even work. So much for legacies.”
“Why am I such a disappointment?” he asked, sobs punching their way up his throat until he couldn’t speak.
“If this legacy is so important to you,” the voice broke the silence. “Why don’t you try one last time?”
“What?” confusion left his mouth without his control.
“Look at me and tell me you will try one last time,” the voice proposed.
He wiped the tears and mucus off his face with the sleeve of his shirt before gripping the railing again with both his hands. With one last deep breath in, he nodded to himself and swivelled.
“One last t-” his voice drifted.
He was alone.
