Frankly Told: Mind the Gap
With the screen brightly illuminating the family room, he sat a slouched silhouette directly before the curved TV hung up on the wall. The headset that sat upon his head lost its weight from its permanent position on his head and he had long grooved into the couch he sat on.
In his hands, the controller took jabs from his fingers, that mechanically worked about the buttons, as his eyes remained trained to the screen. He watched with a deadness in his eyes that darted from end to end of the screen, as he led his team to yet another victory in the first-person shooter. He was in the zone, almost as if he and his avatar had become one and the gameplay was almost godly. The sounds of guns, explosions and frantic speech from the online players shrunk and became background noise. He listened in silence, moving like a predator and with one graceful run across the buttons, he manoeuvred his avatar and delt the final blow. The game was over with that and his team claimed another victory.
“GG,” he spoke lifelessly into his mouthpiece, as he put down his pad and reached out for his comically large water bottle sitting on the coffee table.
“You people must be hackers, bro! How the hell do you play like that?” a beyond impressed voice with a foreign accent; from the opposing team, came through the headset. “I am in awe! Anyway, GG!”
He sat in silence and gave a fake half-smile at the comment, drawing in the water in torrents through the in-built straw of his bottle. On-screen, his avatar stood in front of his teammate's with the unlocked achievements listed on the side. He wondered when these online games stopped bringing him the joy he once felt. His eyes fell to the little digital clock on the table. 3:30 am. He sighed softly to himself, put aside his bottle, readjusted his posture, picked up and held the controller firmly in his hands.
“One more?” He exhaled into his mouthpiece. “ Or could we call it in?”
“I don’t mind really. Whatever whatever, really.” a voice spoke back.
“You good?” he asked.
“Yeah.” The voice responded. “I guess I’m just tired.”
“See now, I told you we should have just slept early today,” he poked. “ Now look it’s past 2 am and even me I am tired but noo- you had to force issues to play.”
“Shut up! Don’t act like you didn’t want to,” the voice retorted.
“I did but if I’m being honest I was over it by game fifteen,” he said as he stifled a yawn.
“Are we getting old?” The voice asked.
“I guess so.” He agreed with half a smile, admittedly more real that time.
There was a beat of silence. The fatigue he claimed to feel slowly slipped in with a warmth that wrapped around him tightly. Heaviness lathered up his eyelids and they began to droop. He reached for the ruggedly opened pack of Haribo gummies on the coffee table before him and grabbed a handful.
“Today is the D-day, huh?” The voice asked rhetorically, in just above a whisper.
“Yeah. Yeah, it is,” he answered, as he leaned back and chucked a couple of the gummies back into his mouth, chewing softly.
“Do you feel… confident?” The voice asked and without giving room for response continued, “Because I sure as hell ain’t.”
“Yeah, no. I am honestly a little bit scared,” he said, trying to hide a little shudder in his voice.
“I hate this feeling! Argh!” the voice threw.
“Well, at least I can say it is the last time… maybe. I hope?” he tried to joke.
“Yeah, unless I don’t graduate,” the voice said with a curtness that cut right through his sad attempt at humour.
“Don’t say that bro!” he threw back. “You worked hard on those finals. I mean even if the weighted total gets you to graduate with a ‘pass’, you can still get a job.”
“You don’t know that.” the voice said straight and robotically. “I’ve been applying but nothing.”
“How many have you..?” he started to ask.
“More than I can count.” the voice cut in.
“Damn, you’ll get one, for sure. I mean just from sheer probability, you-”
“Thanks but I don’t need passive optimism right now.” the voice sighed.
The silence that followed the response hung heavy between the two. Only breathing came through the headset and for the first time in the whole gaming session, he noticed how loud the console fans were. He smiled at memories of how in the past he was always caught for playing video games because of the heat of the console but it had become a soothing noise now.
“I’m sorry man.” the voice came through the headset, breaking his little flashback.
“It’s all good mate,” he quipped. “It’s my bad. These are stressful times and we are both tired. If I am being honest, maybe I am just projecting my own thoughts or at least what I want to hear onto you.”
“But you are good. I mean like your grades were beyond decent and you already have great offers,” the voice came through. “Unlike some of us.”
“Yes, that is true but what you fail to consider is the fact that I too I am scared of this future. I don’t know what it means to be on my own. I don’t know whether I am taking the right steps and honestly I am afraid of life out there,” he admitted. “I’ve seen what it can do.”
“Dude, you have so much going for you. You have stability. You have certainty in what you are getting into and heaven forbid you to miss a step, you have fall-backs. Your parents got the kind of money that can pull you up but your field has a lot of opportunities too. You have all these things,” the voice said. “Sometimes, I don’t know if you truly see the blessings you have.”
“Don’t you think I get that? I do,” he said with a tinge of spice.
He inhaled and held his breath then exhaled himself fully awake.
“All these things are great and I am grateful, so very grateful. Especially since I have seen rock bottom, I have seen how easily one can lose these things. I do not take it for granted,” he continued. “But these things don’t comfort the fear. The anxiety. It may seem like I should have everything figured out since the steps ahead of me are all lit up but just like you… I am scared. I’m uncertain.”
He paused.
“Like… all these things don’t fill the gap between safety and ambition and I don’t know if I can really fill the shoes I carved for myself as a kid when I picked this career path. At the same time, I’m lost if I’m not holding on to this line.”
