Frankly Told: Leaking Love
The room had become stuffy and the smell of smoke mingling with perfume gave a light headrush and warmth on the cold July night. Some RnB from the Bluetooth speaker bounced gently off the walls and set the relaxed mood for the night.
The clock read 3:15 am and it was clear, the impromptu sleepover had settled into the night by that point. The two ladies lay beside each other on the floor that had been lined with blankets and pillows. The fairy lights sparkled all along the wall and everything in that moment felt like it was floating.
“So are you going to tell me what’s been up with you today?” her friend threw out.
“Wh-what do you mean?” she hesitated out of a daze.
“You think I can’t tell when you are not here, babe?” her friend threw back.
“I don’t know what you are talking about. Then again, of course I’m not here otherwise, I’d have to call and get a refund on this stuff.” she tried to brush her off.
“Mh-mh,” her friend refused, shaking her head. “By the way, you should actually tip the guy because today's has hit different, si ati nini.”
“Haha, yeah,” she responded unenthusiastically.
“For real though,” her friend turned to her. “Nini mbaya?”
“Hakuna,” she answered.
Her friend raised herself by her elbows and gave her a stern look.
“What?” she continued with a scoff. “ Aki babe, I’m being serious.”
“You are the worst liar,” her friend teased. “For real for real”
She simply laughed and pushed her friend who fell back down on her back. The two lay there in silence for a little bit. Her smile slowly vanished and her friend inhaled deeply and sighed.
“ You know if you don’t wan-” her friend started.
“Do you ever feel like you give too much and get nothing in return?” she interrupted.
“Like,” she continued over the pause that answered the question. “I mean like not that you give out of expectation but it just feels nice to know that you can get something back or like you are worth getting something back.”
“Is this about nani?” her friend asked. “Because if it is-”
“It’s not about him.” she defended herself before her friend could finish what she was saying. “ I’m just saying this in general.”
There was silence again and the two lay still. Outside the room, there was a light rumble of thunder and the noise from the other tenants in the flat. It had been a while since that noise found its way to her room and it was slightly comforting.
“Where is this coming from?” her friend asked softly.
“You asked what I was thinking, that is what I’ve been thinking,” she said.
“Well no, duh! I meant what has made you think about this.” her friend responded sarcastically.
“I don’t know, lately life has just kind of felt like sijui how,” she said.
She pushed herself up with her elbows and sat up. Crossing her legs, she turned to her friend. The bottle that stood across from her called her with its light pink allure. She reached over, heaving from the way the world bobbed up and down, to grab it by the neck. Flicking the cap off she took a deep swig of the contents and released it from her lips with a loud exhale. Her friend lifting herself, mirrored her actions.
“I just find it funny,” she started but paused. “Lately life just hasn’t felt like it’s been worth living. I mean, not to sound suicidal or anything of the sort. It’s just been hard and the worst part about it is like I am just alone in this.”
“ I don’t want to say that I have no one, it’s just felt like that and I have to admit,” she scoffed. “It’s hella lonely. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I mean you are here now but it’s just been… I don’t know.”
Her friend looked on with no words. She caught the look in her eyes and shrugged. The alcohol made her body warm and the aftertaste turned sour on her tongue, which caused her to shiver. The dam behind her eyes began to crack.
“I don’t know what to say.” her friend conceded.
“You don’t have to say anything,” she said. “I’m just saying how I feel. I’ve been trying to word it correctly so it doesn’t come out badly but it just sounds so yuck in any way I try to say it. It’s like am I not appreciating you? But it’s like disrespect not to say. It’s not doing me good to keep it quiet and I feel like it’s been eating me alive.”
“I have always been the one helping, the one stretching myself thin and I have to act like I am fine because my phone won’t stop buzzing with people asking me questions and for my help. Like I am struggling too! Where is my help? It’s crazy that I don’t remember the last time someone just called to check up on me.” her voice broke.
“Am I just supposed to be the person who is always there for people yet it’s like no one is ever there for me when even I don’t know what I am doing?” she asked, punctuating with a sniffle at the end.
She cussed and hobbled to her feet. Taking a couple of steps to her desk, she plucked out two dry wipes from the box of tissues and wiped her eyes before blowing her nose into the damp crumpled bunch in her hands.
“You really have a big heart, babe,” her friend said.
“Well I’m sick of it!” she exclaimed. “What good is a big heart if all it does is keep leaking love? It’s not like I am overflowing with it.”
“I’ve taken all the time to work on me. They always say, “trust the process, trust the process” but God I am so tired of giving and just sinking. I wish they would tell me when I’ll get to feel like myself again. I’ve given too much of myself and now I’m exhausted. I’m so exhausted.” she sobbed.
“Damnit, now I’m one of those girls that cry on their birthday, ugh!”
