Frankly Told: Ego Death
The music was down to a rumble with the sound of partying young adults singing along to the lyrics, leaking out into the terrace. A smile crept across his face as he picked out distinct voices, drowning his body in the nostalgia of days past.
The beer in his hand had grown stale from its decorative use. He soaked in the relief of being away from the drunken crowd for a little bit. The air was crisp and the view of the city skyline was impeccable. He took it all in with one deep breath.
Behind him, she stumbled onto the terrace. He turned with faked warmness to the new company but his face slowly unfolded to a neutral stare once he registered who had just invaded his solitude.
Her dress had since melted into a look that his conservative eyes couldn’t handle confidently and she had this ditsy smile that he figured nothing good would come out of. He dropped his gaze and looked away, back into the distance of the night.
“Well, well, well,” she slurred. “Look who I found!”
“Haha, yeah,” he politely raised his arms up.
“Mister centre of attention himself,” she continued as she moved in closer and closer. “I’m glad I found you.”
“Are you now?” He asked in jest.
“Yes,” she said, as she pulled up right beside him and deeply sighed. “I think I have had enough for tonight.”
“Looks like it,” he quipped. “Would you like me to get you water?”
“In a bit, let me just soak up the fresh air.” She said.
There was a beat of silence and he looked at her. Her hair had fallen from her high ponytail style and now flowed down her shoulders like a braided waterfall. Tiny beads of sweat caused her deep chocolate skin to glisten in the moon’s light. His mouth was dry.
“Hi,” she cooed, catching his eyes staring at her.
“Hi,” he shot back, pulling away his gaze.
“ This is such a great view,” she commented.
“Yeah, it is,” he concurred, nodding.
Trying to sneak a glance, his eyes met hers that were trained on him. I don’t think she has even looked at the actual view, he thought. He pulled away again.
“You guys really know how to plan these things,” he tried to change the subject.
“Oh yeah,” she took the bait. “Thanks. It wasn’t too much work. It just took a few phone calls in the events space and pulling a few strings. Only the best for my classmates.”
“Former,” he corrected.
“No, you guys are still my classmates,” she stubbornly emphasized. “Si we are in the school of life together, ama?”
“For sure, for sure,” he agreed passively.
“It’s been really nice seeing everyone again,” she leaned into it. “Some more than others.”
He could tell by the feeling of her eyes on him that the comment was directed at him.
“Yeah,” he said dully, sloshing his beer around in the bottle.
“What have you been up to?” She prodded.
“Me?” He worked around his words. “I’ve just been doing me, you know? Work, school, trying to expand my horizons and see how far this life thing can take me.”
“That’s such a typical answer,” she shot.
“That’s such a typical question,” he fired back.
“Ah!” she exclaimed from pure amusement.
A smile escaped his lips but he tried to stifle it back to the neutral.
“It looks like doing you has been working well,” she caressed his arm.
His whole body stiffened to her touch. He cleared his throat and adjusted himself, sneakily throwing her hand off.
“ A little here and there,” he scoffed. “Thank you.”
“You look amazing,” she said in a seductive voice.
“Thanks,” he curtly responded.
There was silence once more. An awkward tension sat heavily in the air between the two of them.
“Right then,” he said in an uncharacteristically chipper tone. “Back into the party now. Shall we?”
He held out his free hand to her to lead her back into the hall. She looked at his hand, then at him. A sadness balanced cautiously in her eyes.
“Are we good?” she asked softly. “I know it’s been a while but-”
“We are good,” he smiled halfway.
“You know,” she said. “I was worried about you. I didn’t know what I had done. I thought everything was good and we were good. I thought we were forever going to be in your life. It broke me… When you left. It broke me.”
“Well… It saved me,” he said, without skipping a beat. “You saved me.”
His hand fell back by his side and he shrugged his shoulders.
“I think I just needed to leave,” his smile completely faded.
“But Europe? For ten years? No contact? No nothing?” Anger simmered her words into a gentle boil.
He stood there in silence.
“Say something,” she pulled on his shirt.
“You hated me,” he softly said.
“Doesn’t mean I didn’t care,” she reassured.
“I couldn’t do that to you guys,” he affirmed. “You guys are my friends. I want you to have and to share in the best of me not just always bailing me out.”
“No! Friends are through good and bad,” she said a little too loud.
“But good friends don’t let their friends drown in their bad,” he placed his hand over hers.
“I thought you were dead,” she sniffled and her head fell on his chest.
“Maybe I did need to die,” he said. “At least that part of me. I hurt you and my friends in my leaving and I am sorry. I will keep trying to make it up to you all now that I am back in whatever way I can.”
“I hate you,” she whispered.
“Before I have had the chance to reintroduce myself?” he slipped in his charisma.
In silence, she pulled close to him and breathed heavily into his shirt. It was tight enough to feel the tears as soon as they soaked in.
“I hate you,” she repeated.
“I hated myself too,” he admitted. “I had to live with that in me and it killed me. I had to relearn how to live again after I buried those bits of me in Europe. Ego death saved me.”
