Frankly Told: Anam Cara
The air held a pregnant silence. The hymns had died down in the little townhouse in some residential estate. The smell of burning candles and a mixed bag of perfumes filled the stuffy living room.
The lady sitting beside him placed her hand gently on his shoulder. Looking at her, he couldn’t help but pull his lips together in their quiet exchange. He took in a deep breath and let out a soft sigh before lunging himself from the seat. This action brought attention that made the next few moments feel like he had somehow turned into Atlas with the weight he carried on his shoulders.
“Ahem,” he cleared his throat, an effort to rid the lump but futile.
“Good evening,” he started, hyperaware of the number of eyes on him.
He looked back at the lady who gave a reassuring nod to him.
“I don’t know how to start this,” he pushed on. “I am, a lot like all of you, very new to this and honestly for the past few days, I have been trying to find the emotions that I should be feeling.”
He gripped the bottom of his shirt and tugged it until he felt it hug his shoulders.
“I didn’t write anything down,” he continued. “I tried but nothing felt right so I figured, this works too, no? It comes straight from the heart, no edits?”
His eyes scanned the room, catching a few short-lived smiles. His heart let out a sigh of relief with the mood feeling a little lighter.
“It is difficult to encompass all this human into mere words,” he said. “So I’ll start small.”
“I remember the day that we first met,” he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “It was like meeting someone your soul knows. I can’t even put to words how well our energy matched and how comfortable it felt inside to be around each other.”
“As someone who for the most part isn’t very talkative,” he expounded. “she was so willing and open to talk. Granted, I had had one or two before that and was all over just being social. Yet, when I got to her, I think I even sobered up to the conversation we had.”
“I remember it like it was just yesterday,” he looked at the picture on the wall. “We argued about the meaning of some song that played at that youth mixer. To this day, neither of us is willing to back off how right we think our interpretation is.”
The group laughed a little.
“And now we will never know who the winner of that debate is.”
“It is always so difficult deciding whether to let go or hold on to these unfinished sentences,” he shook his head.
“I remember the first time I met the family,” he turned and smiled softly to the lady sitting beside him. “Again, I had had a few that day.”
The crowd chuckled again.
“She had had more though and I was carrying her home,” he quickly threw in. “Si ati I’m always drinking whenever we are together. It is just a coincidence. Come on.”
“But that day her mum came to the door and had this look that was angry but also relieved,” he looked again at the lady. “I knew she would be yelled at so I took the blame and got the lecture on her behalf. It is weird that I was a stranger but I got lectured as if I was her son.”
“To be honest,” he continued with a smile creeping across his face. “I think it was that lecture that made me slow down the drinking to the point I don’t do it much. True to that, she followed suit and we found out that we could have the fun without the drinks… as long as we were together.”
“I remember uni orientation week,” he said, readjusting his posture. “How she had such a big crowd around her because of how many people knew her and I, being the extrovert between the two of us, didn’t have anyone. None. I was jealous then but I look back and I cherish that I got to see that with the way I understood the kind of person she was.”
“She was,” he swiped the tear trying to form in his eye. “She was this person who could draw in a crowd with her energy even before she spoke a word. She was this person who brought different people from different places and made it feel like we were all on the same page.”
“She had-” a sob tried to cut him short. “She had this way around problems and the emotions that come with them. I can tell you, historically, I was not the guy who knew how to deal with emotions but because I took notes… or she beat the lessons into me, I learnt how to not only be there for myself but her as well.”
“She taught me so many things, gosh!” he exclaimed. “I guess she was blessed with the skill of teaching, at least for those who are willing to learn. If not, she would be quite harsh. Sharp tongue, that one.”
“I was on the receiving end of some of those lashings, wueh!” he crossed one arm across his body and the other cradled his cheek.
“She taught me never to remember and hold on to just the good,” he inhaled bitterly. “The bad is there for a reason and to ignore it is to never fully experience people, things and life. Today, I’m trying to fully experience this so I’m showing up, just like you always did.”
“We never dated actually,” he said after collecting himself in a pause. “Some of you came up to me with that energy today and I’d just like to clarify. She and I were more than friends. More than lovers in some ways. So much so, to enter into a relationship just felt all kinds of wrong. So… that was all it was.”
“She was to me… What some may call my anam cara,” he said. “She will be, forever. Another may have my heart but she, wherever she is… she has my soul.”
