Frankly Told: All I Have
“Yes, I’m okay,” he insisted into the phone that balanced precariously between his shoulder and cheek.
“I’m not lying,” he affirmed. “I’m okay. I’m okay!”
Suddenly, through the door burst his colleague. Hesitating at the door, seeing as he was on call, she swayed on the balls of her feet. Picking this as an opportunity to escape the phone that held him hostage, he held up a finger to gesture for her patience. She stood patiently at the door holding it partially open.
“Okay,” he said urgently. “Okay, I’ve got to go. Someone is here to see me. I’ll talk to you when I get home, okay? Love you. Bye.”
He hurriedly cut the call and dropped his phone on his nearly empty desk. Mouthing a quick “thank you” to her, he continued moving things about his small office space. There was a silence so thick it made it hard to breathe and he could feel her eyes boring holes in the back of his head. After a while, he stood up and looked at her; her face in a weird contortion of confusion and sadness.
“What’s up?” he asked in a cool tone.
“I heard…” she responded.
“Yeah,” he confirmed.
“What will you do?” she prodded.
“I don’t know, I guess I will just figure it out as we go,” he answered in a tone even he couldn’t believe.
He picked up where he left off, stuffing the little trinkets into the box. On the floor beside the door sat all the company documents in a box labelled ‘Sales Rep’ in a red marker, written in barely legible handwriting. When he was done collecting every piece of what made it feel like home from the space and placing them in the box, he looked back up at her.
“How are you so calm?” she asked, all jittery. “Did you know? Do you know who’s next?”
He shrugged. His silence was the only thing that pulled him together. In his mind, thoughts ran at each other and exploded into mixtures of questions and solutions that hit a dead end. He sighed and fell back into his chair. His lips unconsciously pursed and he swang from side to side. If only they could jumble up his mind and come up with answers.
“How are you feeling?” she threw at him before any words could leave his tongue.
“I don’t know what I feel,” he resigned. “What is there to feel? Anger? Why? I mean they are within reason. Sad? What good would that do? Disappointed? At what exactly? It’s not like they wanted to do it themselves.”
“It’s so unfair,” she complained on his behalf and he nodded.
His shoulders sunk and the empty feeling in his chest felt like a rock that dragged every little bit of faux optimism he was trying to gather. She was right. It was unfair but there was nothing to be done. Maybe acceptance would have made things smooth over quicker. Maybe he could find a way to piece it together before it all crashed down.
“Umm…” she hesitated.
“Wha-?” before he could finish, he felt wetness run down his cheek and crash into his exposed forearm.
He cussed softly to himself and instinctively swiped very quickly at his eyes. Readjusting himself back on the seat, he stretched out his arms over the desk and rested his palms on it with his fingers rapping on the smooth, vanished mahogany. He couldn’t see her face with his eyes turned to anything but the door but he could sense the concern that oozed out of her like a cold breeze.
The sound of the latch snapping shut filled the empty silence. Everything that had been held behind the wall began to burst through. His breath shook and trying to control it span it even more out of control. His head fell into his hands and his breathing became belaboured. He cussed.
Patiently, she stood at the door. He took a few minutes and pulled himself together. Still sniffling back the mucus that tried to escape, he opened up his body and his head swang back onto the headrest with his eyes shut.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do here,” he finally let out.
“I’m not surprised,” he admitted. “But it still doesn’t take away this feeling of worthlessness. I mean, ten years I gave to this company. Built it so much so the team went from our ten-man team to a whole multi-layered company.”
“Now, all that’s just … gone,” he pushed through the sobs that punched out of his chest. “I can’t even be mad. If I am, it’s at me, for getting too comfortable.”
She took a few steps forward and placed her hand on his, which had gripped the armrest like it was his saving grace. His eyes fluttered open and he looked at her. He could tell by the look in her eyes, that she was drawing a blank with answers for him. She had never seen him like that, he understood that. He comforted her with a pat on the hand.
“Maybe now I can pick up one of those hobbies,” he tried to joke.
She cracked half a smile that disappeared as fast as it came.
“I don’t expect you to have the answers,” he answered her concerned look. “I don’t expect myself to have answers. I just gotta take the next step, whatever that is. I need to make sure things keep moving. I’ve probably got to have this conversation when I get home. If just for now, allow me to not have the answers.”
“If only just for a little while,” he added. “Allow me not to sell myself in a way I cannot be right now. I’m scared. I am worried and I wish I had answers like I usually do. If anything, I know there is a storm waiting for me beyond that door so I have taken forever to pack up. School fees. Food. Rent.”
“I don’t have solutions right now,” he sighed. “I am holding on to my sanity by the fact that this was just a job and perhaps, that is all it is. Not my only passion or profession. It’s just a job.”
He smiled painfully.
“I mean hey, at least I have met a friend here I know I can depend on,” he nodded at her. “I can’t entertain the thought, that this is all I have to show. Maybe there is another door about to open my way.”
“Surely,” he tried to convince himself. “This can’t be all I have, can it?”
