Frankly Put: Where You Failed Him
You lost it when you missed the opportunity to hear and listen to him, is a phrase that has crossed my mind and line of thought so many times. I look at all the men in my life and I can’t help but recognize this pattern.
In today’s society, men are learning to take hold of the emotional responsibility they have over themselves. When I find myself in conversation with healthy men who are older and more experienced than I am, I see a little more of that. This taking back of power from the emotions themselves rather than letting them overrun them. This is not quite directed to just stoicism.
As a young man, I think it is something I fought myself about and consequently the people around me. Jokes and banter surrounded the topic of actually dealing with emotions and mental space but we held the space for doing it with my boys. I find that even when that was the case, there were incorrect interpretations of the lessons etched in my mind. A few slip ups when the phrase “man up” was used without fully being aware and defining it.
I am writing this as someone who in my personal opinion deals better with things now than I did then. With no one else to thank but the people who allowed me the experience of working and learning to do so without walking away, even on days when they had differing opinions. This ability to disagree without fighting may just be the reason I’ve learnt to honour their perspective so religiously.
I don’t have a wide pool of things to feel. Some may call it preposterous but hey that’s me. It’s a hindrance in connection to people sometimes but those willing to stay have stayed and their acceptance of me wholly is something I do not take lightly. Sad to say, a majority have not been able to take it for what it is and tried to change it or otherwise run from it. Among those, people I naively wanted so badly to be the ones not to.
That’s fine. It sucks though that I find that, maybe some men are pushed to assume that facade. People who are deeply emotional and sensitive, are reduced to this shell of themselves when on the insides they want to just let it out and it manifests itself in this skin impenetrable to actual care and devotion. This man just wants someone to see him; his person, who would see him because that is all he needs.
I’m always one to cheer self-work when alone and that, this time though… what if someone else comes into the equation? Rudy Francisco says, “Aren’t we all waiting to be read by someone, praying that they’ll tell us we make sense?” I think we write and we write and we write but at the end of the day, it feels nice to have someone read it and hold some special place for those words.
Men, in this society, are aware of that want. It is unfortunate that it is a time when that want isn’t as forthcoming. Most times, men lean toward other men but many men don’t have that because of how culture works. This global culture demands of men this unruly strength and rigidity with just enough softness for other people. This gentle hold of emotions that are not our own.
Spending some time people-watching has really opened up my eyes to just how the roots of this are wrapped around the value of the man. We grow up validating the emotion in ladies but for gents, it’s more about what they can offer. We call it out too late in life and want that emotion out of men who have grown having buried it. So much so, a man’s appreciation is so directed towards the things he is that benefit others rather than what he is, just existing. Or, worse of what he is not.
Every man, I think, craves from their lady the ability to just be. They define it as the place where Superman hangs his cape, where Batman doesn’t have to wear a mask…. where they don’t have to wear the mask they have been wearing to deal with the world and do what needs to get done and do it well. The novelty of that, I have come to find, is a selling point in relationships for some ladies.
The only thing is that this sword cuts both sides. Where the man lacks the experience to open up and show that side to him and the lady lacks the experience of handling the truth of what happens when the mask is off. That point of connection is where to be honest, there is a make-or-break of the relationship. There are many points like that but this is the one I will talk about this time.
There is a struggle where the timing is just not right. He may not be ready but she is forcing it upon him to take off the mask when she is so overcome by how well he is carrying the things he does. It cracks the relationship on his side when that happens. She may not be ready to face the truth of the man behind the mask when he is willing to take it off and he feels like too much because of all that he carries. It breaks the relationship on her side.
She’ll say she doesn’t want a Superman but is she ready for the man who isn’t the super all the time? Or will it just be a moment where she was so enthralled by the idea of what she is seeing that she forgets and ignores the man behind the mask? Where he tried to take it off and in that moment she forgets his face. To put it in direct terms, he speaks about these things and she doesn’t listen, doesn’t hear, doesn’t see him.
Where you failed him was in asking for the truth to be handed to you and not wanting it because it isn’t sitting atop a silver platter… to put it Frankly.
