Frankly Put: What I Mean When I Say “I Love You”
This year, February has been the most potent month of love I have had in a while. Coming off the high of my first solo show, I can’t help but get into writing this with a sense of relief and curiosity.
I am rewriting some parts to explore this but sit in it with me. I come from an era where we could express this depth by the number 143. I know I just aged myself and I have given some of you whiplash with that throwback but that is kinda the point. For those who have no idea, let me explain. Back before qwerty keyboards on phones, we used to write a lot of shorthand for things because typing everything out was a tedious game of clicking a single button severally. On top of this, the number of characters you could type into a message before you could send it was downright horrendous. So we learnt to express ourselves most quickly.
In my understanding, that is where this comes from. We found a way to bring back the era of pagers and codes like 411 and that. Things like “lmao” and “lol” are from the same concept. The number stems from the number of letters in the phrase. While many phrases in the English language could use the same form and still work, we as a society accepted it to mean what it means. So what is it? “1–4–3” correspondingly “I L-O-V-E Y-O-U”. But… What does that mean?
“I”
Everything in me. Everything from the good in me to the bad in me. The great parts of me that you help to make shine even brighter. The failing parts of me that you help me to be accountable for and find ways to make better. It’s a little poetic but hey I am a poet, sue me. When I say the “I” here I take ownership of the words. I breathe into them responsibility for their impact and consequences that may follow.
It isn’t just the me presently. It is me in the past. The little boy who had to find ways to trace what love looked like. The young heart that thought everything in the movies and TV shows and books and teachings was what it was to love someone. The me that was hurt and given every reason not to seek out this love thing in the first place. The broken heart that had to learn to not fall into hatred of self or even others when in pain.
It is the future me. In 7 years, I will be completely different; physically all my cells will be replaced. Every step and decision would have tested and bent this naivety into so coarse an understanding of life. Whatever route this life will take, I will choose you to walk with me through it. I will take every lesson and find new ways to renew this promise. However this thing may evolve, however many other souls I may add to it, however many new versions of me I will go through… All of me.
“LOVE”
Now this is not the ooey-gooey feelings inside when you say or do something sweet. It is the internal arousal of service, unconditionally. It is assuming the role of responsibility not because you cannot do it for yourself. It is the intentionality of taking care of you and tending to your needs. The itch to “want to peel oranges for you.”
It is the undying respect and devotion to you and all you are. It is the effort to have you feel heard and given the space to fully express your truest and best form. It is the loyalty to you and your vision to achieve what is best for you as much as I owe to myself the same. It is not the projection of self upon you but the channelling of a route for your greatness.
It is the promise of presence. The good and the bad days. Presence in your fears and your tears. I know I am sounding so romantic but it is that deep. To fail to recognize that is to offer shallow solace. Even when I do not understand it, allow me to sit by you, not to overtake you and fix things but to show you that I can be in your corner even when the match seems deadset against you.
It is to be the ray of light in the darkness. It is to be a grounded connection that allows you to fly freely wherever the wind may lead you. It is to be the wind behind your sail wherever this sea takes you to explore. It is to be the extra hand that takes some of the weight you feel you are carrying on your shoulders.
It is the promise and action of “Always and Forever.”
“YOU”
Just you. Not the idealized picture I have tried to paint of you. It is not the cookie-cutter form I am trying to fit you into. It is all of you. The good that is attractive to me at first sight. It is the part of you that seems to rub me in the wrong way but I don’t believe in the perfect fit. I believe in the strongest link and that may not always look like the seamless fitting into each other.
It is the little quirks that I find annoying in others but so endearing in you. It is the things about you that I don’t wish to understand because it never took understanding them to enjoy them. It is to take the part of yourself you’d rather hide and clean it in the same love as the parts of you you show off to the world. I see it as a home where I will wash the back of the refrigerator even when no one is going to look behind there.
It is the cracks and missing pieces but it is also the whole and solid parts of you. Everything that makes you, you. I am not perfect or a saint so I do not expect you to be. Forgive me though, for the days I will call you perfect, I am not erasing the imperfections.
“I LOVE YOU”
A phrase I wish I could go back and say more confidently when I said it. I just want you to not mistake it when I say it… to put it Frankly.
