Frankly Put: Steps to Self Love
In the morning, in the evening, in the bathroom mirror or windows of passing cars, we see it. We see it everywhere around us, even when we are not looking for it. It’s like what I assume looking into fun house mirrors feels like.
Flashback to a thirteen year old me, just clocking puberty, so the effects are coming through like the blessings from Elsa Majimbo’s prayers. The voice breaking, slight height improvements, little muscle definition here and there. There is some excitement to the whole growth thing. Looking in the mirror and not seeing so much of the “boy-ish” look as one did, even just as little as a year prior. A boy be growing into a man !
Being in an all boys primary school probably amplified the magnitude of the process, to be very honest. With people shooting up in height and standing side-by-side to measure and compare how much bigger people had gotten, only to laugh at those who were smaller that they were. Swiming time, where we were all shirtless, some would walk around with their newly developed 2-pack “abs” and if your baby fat still existed, you would walk around with your stomach sucked in, to at least look like you had a flat stomach. Pots as we so called them were a joke.
Clock another year, it’s getting deepened and ground into you. Those who were late vocal bloomers are faking deep voices. Those with no muscle are puffing up chests to seem bigger. In some cases even glorifying acne because it showed you were at the very least growing. All trying to seem a little more masculine than the next guy, heaven forbid you are seen as feminine — Smooth-faced, petit body, soft skin, high pitched voice. Cue in aggression and rising cases of bullying, a test of strength through fights and trying not to show weakness or backing down. Every small altercation could only end in fists or you are a “barbie" and now, boys walk around like loaded guns ready to cock and fire at whomever poked fun at their physique. Cliques are slowly differentiated and made up of the strongest(physically) with sports being the big time line of differentiation.
With the passing years, the tests that were once surface-level become more subconscious. Add female energy to the mix and the race to prove ourselves to them; to be “that guy” the girls were fawning over and there is a mish-mash of unresolved issues with self image. Before you know it, you are battling with yourself more than with the other males around you. Thinking you might be too small or too big, too fat or too skinny, too short or too tall — okay let’s be honest maaaybe just too short because height seemed to be a plus always.
Then sets in this isolating feeling that can’t be spoken of. Walking around trying to hide the fact that there is a fierce battle going on with self image, trying to play it cool and sexy. Hiding the fact that you relate with the girls on issues to do with body positivity because somehow it was more outspoken among them than amongst your gender. Who could you turn to?
Vulnerabilty with the boys serves as straight up amunition for roasts and you can’t let something that is more than skin-deep be the punchline to a joke, knowing the lads would tear it apart mercilessly. Vulnerability with girls is near impossible because there is an image you want to maintain and you are not about to let this weakness be your rejection factor so it is thought.
By the time your late teens come about, the foundation is set. Strong and seemingly near impossible to break. Now past high school but still holding on to ideas that you aren’t beautiful because your skin isn’t light enough, your arms, chest, whatever are not big enough, you are not exactly in the tall side, your beard is not connecting or is not there all together, you’ve got a crooked smile or your hairline is missing a couple of stretches. Beaten into you by others' opinions but mostly yours, that sting like facts even when you get compliments.
Now the term “self-love” begins to be thrown around. You propagate it to everyone and anyone who is willing to listen, believing you found it or will find it by being a prophet but … you still doubt yourself when someone compliments you. You still hate the fact that you don’t look like so and so or the other. You innately feel entitled to be called beautiful by others but you can’t find it in yourself to use the same language on you. Is that really self-love ? Did you ever really learn to love yourself?
I’d argue, perhaps not quite there. Preaching water and drinking wine doesn’t exactly make you less drunk on your own fallacies. Conversations have been had, with those within conversational distance from me (you know with the whole global pandemic situation about us and that) about body positivity. It became a little apparent, what i attributed it to in the years that followed the whole comparison-developement thing, wasn’t quite at the point of self-love that I thought I stood behind. Myself and a lot of us actually and if we have had this conversation, perhaps it’s been a point of mention.
So what’s the development? I would say… improvement. Self love is improvement of self. Self love is accepting yourself holistically, to the point that there is no overly myopic positivity. To mean, there are things you won’t like about yourself and there are things you will hold to high value. Things that are negative and things that are positive. It isn’t easy to come to the point of acceptance of it but I would put forward, that is where the strive for self love begins. So it goes, next step is to probably evaluate if those things are things you can change, are things you can maintain, are things you can discard. Are there things you can supplement with if not replace? For example height, don’t know if there is a way to grow exponentially taller but you could better your posture and poise, build around the confidence created and love it.
Your insecurities? Sensitive issue, perhaps. How aware are you of how your body behaves? How far have you gone in learning about your habits? (dietary and physical — since this is majorly about the physique. Maybe emotional could come later) How willing are you to address yourself with constructive tough truths? Whether you are overweight and trying to cut back or underweight and trying to bulk up… not every body will be the same but in my opinion, it’s difficult to love deeply that which you don’t know.
Notwithstanding, self love is just like other forms of love; it goes beyond professing alone. Maybe you are in a toxic relationship with yourself without knowing it. The things you are putting in yourself, the things you are letting out of yourself, the things you surround yourself in do inevitably dig into your world view… inevitably. It brings to mind an analogy of driving. Driving can be fun, the feel of adrenaline stirred by flooring the pedal, the feel of the steering wheel as you weave in between cars, the speed, the general rush. It is normal to crave a love for it but it is hard to love the journey and driving, when you hate the car you drive. When you know nothing about the car you are driving. You could scream at “car guys" how much you love driving but everytime you are in your car, you hate it here. They will probably ask you what you’re packing under the hood, what exhaust system you are rocking, what the acceleration is like, when you got your wrap. Basically know your car.
Yes, when we walk around we see it. Everywhere around us, even when we are not looking for it. These bodies we exist in even in those funhouse mirrors we look through. Do you love it enough to offer it the luxury you believe to be living? Run your car efficiently beyond just bare minimum.
