Frankly Put: Refinding Community in Adulthood
We came into this world alone and we will leave this world alone. I think the only people spared from this fate, at least the first part, are twins who come sharing the same womb. Technically, if you were to die in a mass calamity… anyway, I digress.
Nevertheless, this mentality does breed some level of individualism. To think like this is to think selfishly in how we choose to live. Not so say that it is always wrong to do so, I suppose I was just raised in a different school of thought. It is true that we are born and die alone but do we necessarily have to live alone.
We, for the fundamental purposes of survival develop our lives into communities. What does it mean to have community though? Sometimes I wonder what that is too because life will show you depending on people can be a hustle — I’m looking at you, group projects in school. It raises the doubts on the necessity of that whole kind of living because to be honest, if you want something done right, do it yourself and other stories.
Then again, there are people who are better than you are at some things and you will be better than them at others; so why not work together? What that begins to look like is a system of efficiency. Beyond survival on a physical level, it percolates into emotional and mental capacity. To have that support structure is to invest in a greater becoming of self.
To have a community is to have a space to amplify your strengths and address your weaknesses. Though… allow me a little bit of sonder, it isn’t just by nature and “supposed to be” that these things should be. We may be moving cogs in a machine but every cog has its own life. Meaning its own biases, traumas, ambitions and wants. It makes me start to ask how one would now have the formation of a community that feels like it fits.
Let’s look at the ways one can have community. Firstly, to surround yourself with like-minded people. This allows for the greatest level of cohesion because it’s very agreeable. Though, its strength is also its weakness because now it suffers from “the echo chamber" effect. To have an opposing thought or question is to be slowly edged out. To evolve is to shed the community. To go against the grain is to cause tensions and conflicts.
I do recognize that one can have different opinions but same thought process and that would follow in the train of thought.
Secondly, a tying element. This can be a place, time, person or situation. Most times this is the default setting. The community you have is formed say at home, since you all share lineage that is a community. In school, at work or in church the same; basically anywhere you have a group of people meeting. This is normally easier due to the convenience factor.
Meaning, since we are here and forced to interact in this core space, might as well form the community, right? The failure of this is the whole community falls apart once that one thing that ties us together is gone. Unless there is intention to develop the relationship outside that thing it ,more often than not, dies with it. We graduate school, we move houses, we change places of worship, we lose people and we have shifts in priority.
The common failing I see is with school friendships because that is such a big part of childhood that doesn’t really carry forward into adulthood. Closely followed behind by family. In the cases where the whole structure is tied to the matriarch or patriarch… once they pass, that’s the end of family.
Finally, diversity. Ironically, this is in my experience the most effective community forming method. I know I sound really scientific but bear with me. I have found that the base on which these are formed is deeper than the others. Reason being, it calls for a skin deep intentionality. To coexist in differing opinions and life experience is to exist in respect, compromise, loyalty and authenticity.
The weakness in it is feeling like a diversity hire. In the community, it can sometimes feel like you are only being tolerated because of affirmative action. You are constantly playing devil’s advocate to someone’s life and opinions. It can get jaded after a while.
Nevertheless, here we are. We are adults, beaten by life. Injected with opinions and life perspective. Sprinkled with bias. This causes great differing thoughts and that kind of shoots down community by like-mindedness. Unless you are susceptible to herd mentality.
We are being thrown into a world that cares not for tying people together. We celebrate individualism because the world is too connected… as counterintuitive as that may sound. We all are in some way seeking this independence and we overdo it into hyper independence. We are now grappling with a loneliness that has forced us to hurry back into the things that tie us together. We have cultured ourselves to reject it though.
As I say this, I’m still drawing venn diagrams to have a sense of community that I am adulting within. Yes it is a solo journey but so help me God, I would like to share in this living with my people. It’s not just extroverted tendency but taking the concept of social media back from the internet and sharing life with my community.
I am refinding community whilst redefining community… to put it Frankly.
