Frankly Put: For Lack Of Better Words
I think I am actually struggling to write this one. Maybe if I admit it, then something will come to mind to write. Let’s see here…
I recognise that I am in a bit of a limbo right now. For someone who; it is claimed, has a way with words, I’ve been lacking them a little more and more every day and now it feels like I am measuring the syllables trying not to cross the quota of the day as if I am saving up for something to say. I no longer feel the drive to update on things. At the same time, it’s been feeling like words mean a little less. They are worth less.
Let’s zoom in on that. It’s ironic not to want to do life updates but to be essentially doing a blog every week, consistently. I don’t remember at what point it started to feel like it but it has begun to feel like there is a little more of a piece of me in my writing than I consciously wish to have. Instinctively, I would like to pull back because well the idea of mystery is intriguing and that’s something I am still in talks with myself about. Bit of a pendulum swing.
Mystery in social settings, that’s the eye-catcher, no? That one guy in the back, half-illuminated by the lights in the club so you can’t quite tell if he is attractive or the light and shadow are just friendly to his face. He stands brooding, half into the scene and half on his own. Indifferent. His aura makes you curious because you itch to know what the hell this guy is doing alone in the club. Or better yet, he is the one with his boys whom the conversation seems to centre around and he just says a word or two to keep it in the loop. He just looks so cool all dappered up, maybe in all black. Cool guy. Cool vibes.
It is the girl who doesn’t say much in the group. You are all cracking jokes and she is laughing, yes. Just not as heartily as the rest are. She is keeping the interactions to a minimum, just with her eyes and her smile. Sipping on a drink she won’t tell you about, even if you ask. “It’s just something to ease the nerves,” she will say. It’s making you curious the way she seems slightly stand-off-ish but not like she is completely above you. An angel, come down and you can almost touch this taste of ethereal beauty. Of course, you reach. Maybe you are lucky, maybe you are not.
However, there is something about that interaction. I find that people interested in the mystery are never attached to the actual person. Like the rush of this slightly unattainable thing is what makes the drive to know it even stronger. You wanna go talk to the guy because his lack of effort to stand out makes him stand out even more — in your eyes. You wanna engage the girl because there is a challenge but that’s it. When you get to know the person, the intense hormonal affliction dissipates and you move on to the next high. What does that say for their self-esteem though?
Human nature is very interesting indeed. It’s driven so highly by selfish desire. Everything we do is selfish, even the things we call selfless are selfish. If you sweep a little around the scene of the garden, you will find a cemetery. No, do not take what I am saying to be all negative, that person who is giving themselves for the good of humanity is doing a great thing. Do not focus on the motive, just the action and you’ll be fine.
Back to the two mysterious people, say you break through the initial barricades. They allow you in because turns out, he is not such a stoic person. He is in fact, very goofy and fun. She is not a snub. She is actually just socially anxious. Her friends pulled her out for this thing out there and she obliged because she didn’t want to lose out on the memories and have nothing to show for her friendships further down the line. They are both very interesting and riveting characters.
They have a depth to their soul. Your curiosity intrigues them too and makes them want to tell a little more of their story because no one ever really asks. Woe is them if pretty privilege is a hurdle they have to jump over every time someone approaches them. Anyway, you got through to them and you have uncovered traumas, you've uncovered secrets and you've uncovered their shine beneath, that was the little glimmer that caught your eye before you said hi. The thing is, underneath the layers, they are just human beings, like you.
They have all these things moulded into a mosaic pattern that coats their personality in something attractive. They don’t always say the right things. They trip over their emotions on the way to constructive conversation. Their day-to-day is mundane with nothing but human chores and routines. They are messy. They have bed head and morning breath, the days you meet them in the morning. They are just plain old souls who seem to have found a way to paint life in a beautiful light.
What can you say? The things you so ecstatically chased have now become mere rhythms in the day-to-day. There is no rhyme or reason why these things no longer charm you but they don't. You are not trying to find an out but you feel like your soul is getting sucked dry and complacency is licking at your heart. It’s heartbreaking… but how do you break it to them? What words can you use to describe those moments? How do you think they deal with that blow to their systems?
I’m sure they would understand, right? Still, it scares you. Of course, it scares you! How do you tell them you got bored of their “shine”? For lack of better words, you’ve proven to be nothing but a statistic they never want to revisit… to put it Frankly.
