Frankly Put: Finding Ways to Fight
I’ve been sitting in front of a blinking cursor for hours now. A heavy heart and a mind full of thoughts I can’t quite put into words yet, as ironic as it may seem but let’s see where this takes us. I’m trying to go back to being able just to write these things away.
When I look back at my ways in life and the approach I opted to take with things that others felt so strongly about, I wonder what made me see things that way. I was very passive. It is my go-to point of action to just remain neutral. Perhaps it is a middle child thing or a people-pleasing one but I was never strongly pulled to one side straight out the gate. I don’t know if I have a steady stream of emotion to tap into and instantaneously be so passionate about something.
It’s a stance that has gotten me in trouble more often than not because someone who is complaining to you would like you to immediately take their side. Don’t get me wrong, this is not to say that I cannot immediately see wrong and right. My brain’s thought process is just as curious about the wrong and its why, as I am about the right. I’m never too quick to argue on things and as life has gone on, I am more jaded by the idea of doing so.
Honestly, these days, I am concerned with how far I have fallen. The inability to defend myself in cases where I see nothing but a wall. (Well not really an “inability” more of a “lack of effort” to be honest) The kind of conversation where even if your logic is sound, they are not willing to give it a second thought. True to the trend, those with whom it matters, would come after the emotional outburst to sit and try to have an actual conversation. This goes both ways. It has conditioned me in a lot of cases to just sit through the emotions to get to the fundamentals of the situation.
I also do the same for myself. Before I burst out in some form of emotion, I am very quick to see the fundamentals of it and then address it from that point of view as opposed to doing it in retrospect. It does rob me sometimes from the release of that feeling because I am so quick to just go “This is why that felt like that,” as opposed to “This is how I feel, acknowledge it.” Now I backed myself into a corner where I am self-soothing and seemingly taking all the responsibility for things done to me.
Some call is understanding, which is fair. Sometimes, I wonder if stunted my ability to so deeply express things that cut me deep before I rationalize it in my brain. I just sit and watch as people fumble about these things but make the mental note to detach them from that situation. Some call it indifference, which is an equally fair argument. I tend to not care or on the flip side care deeply about things and I have been unsuccessful in finding a grey area. I am okay with giving things care for a time, then taking it back.
The crazy power this gives me is that there is a very sure-footed way I give myself. A deep devotion to a fault. I think it is in the understanding of things that I find complete and unwavering submission. Give me your vision and if I understand it as well as agree, I am with you regardless of optics. Then comes the layer that I have been sitting with for the longest time and that is, what does that mean in terms of action? How does it translate?
In essence, how do I fight for the things I believe in? I am well aware that a lot of times, the people around me would prefer to express the great things that happen in their lives to other people who would give them a greater emotional reaction. In some ways, this applies to the bad things too. People want someone who would immediately share in their anger, disgust or whatever the case may be. My emotional amplitude just isn’t that high.
I worry I have forgotten how to genuinely raise my voice for these things. They say that closed mouths don’t get fed, right? What about those that show you hunger by looking for food? Instead of shouting out about how hungry they are, let that hunger manifest in their actions. I’ve been trying to find the ways in which I express this very blatantly. I tried being the loud one, that never felt like me or fulfilled the purpose. I tried being quiet but that still brought arguments.
It’s not easy to please the masses and honestly, I’m finding myself going back to that version of me that cared not for such. This mentality of “keep doing what you’re doing and if it ends up pleasing the masses, well and good” is something that has so greatly been buttressed in my life. It allows me to “fight” for things I value without great fear of being contradicted and if I am wrong in my thinking, enables me to learn and pivot.
I don’t only want to stand with people with whom we have shared experiences but to stand with them because it is what I see as right. I want to just as strongly be on the front lines without being so out of myself that I forget what it is that I am standing for. I would like to fight in my way and know that at the end of the day, this drop of water is a great ocean in its own right.
I would like to find ways to fight, that feel like me and pack a punch big enough for the great ones (you know what they say about them being bigger)… to put it Frankly.
