Frankly Put: Conversations With Self
Michael Jackson once sang, “….I’m starting with the man in the mirror, I’m asking him to change his ways, no message could’ve been any clearer, if they wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make a change…” so here I am, kinda.
When I think of conversations with self, I no longer think of standing in front of the mirror in its literal sense. See, we live in a world that reflects back to us with the intensity we give out to it. Take for example social media, it only shows you content that seems to align with your tastes and wants and that ideally is a reflection of self. The more you interact with social media the better the algorithm feeds back to you, content you would love.
I used to laugh when people would say, “I can tell who you are by your feed,” but not so much anymore. I’ll say it isn’t a one-for-one comparison but it’s damn near close, in the sense that it may not be your personality but what you are drawn to; all the guilty pleasures and goals and ambitions you have. It’s all there, for some. blatantly and some, you might need to read in a little more.
I find that sometimes, for those who put themselves out there, the conversations in the mirror can be looking back at those documented moments. If you are a creative or content creator, in what you create lies a piece of who you are at the time that you keep frozen. If you are just a normal user of the platforms, still. There is you, in that throwback picture with that caption that you probably cringe at, that was you. If you look through your likes, that was you. If you look through the things you shared too.
On occasion I find myself, in a breath of spontaneity, reading some of the things I wrote or listening to a past performance. Sometimes, I laugh. Sometimes, I cringe. Sometimes, I marvel at how I was writing for future me in how profound the words seem to be. Sometimes, I relive the moment, the memory, the emotion. Words are a powerful thing and every day I am learning not to waste them.
As I write this, I have accrued enough awareness of self, a conversation with a past me still leaves me with questions now, from then that i’ll probably ask in future. There have been some things I have written and as I read them back, I can’t help but ask, “What did you want to say?” I am learning to hear myself out a little more and give myself the grace to revisit the things I couldn’t quite articulate. This right here is why I start this series.
To jump off that very question, lately, I have been in the space of asking myself, “what do you want to say?” or better yet, “what do you want?” If I was to say something about the question itself, I would probably start with the fact that the question creates a stutter in my words, a stumble in my step. I don’t think I am asked that question enough, by others or by me. It’s a question, I would like to consistently have answers to at some point.
I recognize that I demand the same in various aspects of my life. Career, human relationships, hobbies, thrills, adventures and everything in between. It comes from the point of view of what is wanted of me. Perhaps, there is a challenge to flip the question to me. What do I want out of those things? Life isn’t necessarily only happening to me, I am happening to life just as much and I need to embrace it.
What do I want in my career to start with? Have I finally found where my passion meets my profession? Maybe I have. Someone once told me, in their opinion, I picked the right path career-wise because of how well I seem to fit into it. This is nice to hear because if it is something that expresses itself externally, I think that it means something is going right there. Still, there have been times I have found myself in the position to ask what I want out of this. I think that is drive. Or could be.
There is something a little off-putting about the little gap between when you put on that cap and gown and the following Monday when it is off and you have to do something with your life. The little pause before you act on everything you said you would do. For some of us, we may be back to school but still, that uncertainty lingers. It is the false feeling of security that you are doing what you want but the branch you stand on is breaking, you need to fly soon.
I admit it is something empowering to find what you want and do it but then the question comes, “What next?” — the fall is always there. You can learn to fly but gravity is always there to catch you in between the flapping of your wings. Every time your wings lift you can be paralleled to an affirmation of what you want. Should you lack an answer, you begin to fall. The speed at which you hurtle to the ground is determined by the weight of the expectations and ambitions you carry.
Yes, they say “You don’t have to have it figured out, young one” but that is only a safety blanket we hold on to. I believe you need to figure out what is for you at that phase in your life you are in. Figure out what you want and not just float in a pool of nothingness, convincing yourself in the next phase, you will have it pat down. It is a case of postponing a problem. “What do you want to do with your life?” has to be one of those questions that gets me out of bed every day… but it's also one of the ones that keep me up at night. Call that balance.
“What do you want?” is only a stepping stone to the next “What do you want?” and I kinda want to see the views from the top of this staircase so let me answer and see how it goes, to put it Frankly.
